I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
