My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
is it fun? or sober?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
