she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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