Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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