Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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