its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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