he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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