What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My bed smells like the plague
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
