seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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