you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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