I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize