I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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