had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
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