I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
