4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
