My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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