if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize