it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
