I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
