I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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