she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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