I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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