Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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