halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
