I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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