I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
