Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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