I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
