Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
