His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
