i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
