someone threw a dead crab at me
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
