I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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