What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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