My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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