The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
