I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize