I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
