I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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