I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
