there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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