Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
