I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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