I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
