Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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