I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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