I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
