her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
