so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
