Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
