she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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