smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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