The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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