My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
look no pants
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
