I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize