I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
