Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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