How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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