How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
