I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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