I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
